Anxiety, the wretched curse

Part of the first grade music curriculum is to perform a musical of sorts.  The music teacher and kids have been working on it since the beginning of school.  There has been a backdrop made and other assorted props to go along with the songs they have been learning.

Each day this week I have reminded Jake that Thursday was his special performance.  Every time I brought it up he got very upset and said that he was not going to do it.  I honestly thought that once he had time to get used to the idea, he would be fine.

This morning I woke him up like any typical day and he immediately said that he had to stay home from school.  When I asked why he started to cry, real tears, about the musical.  He could not wrap his head around singing in front of so many people.  So the bartering began.  I told him that I would come in the afternoon and watch him.  No Deal.  I told him I would pay him a dollar.  No Deal.  I promised to beat him.  He didn't care.  When I could come up with no other solution and we had only 5 minutes until we needed to leave, I promised to pick him up early from school.  He agreed and got ready.  So I sent the following note to let his teacher know what was going on. 

"Jake is very upset about the musical/play. He has cried about it all week. He is very shy and he doesn't want to be up in front of people. Today I had to promise that I would pick him up early before the play in order to get him to get dressed and out the door. I told him I would come to the day time performance, but he is adamant that he will not do it. I just wanted to give you a heads up. Thanks :)"

Later I received this response from Mrs. Reyes.

" I sat and talked with him. He is nervous about singing in front of all the people. I told him he could just focus on you (if you stood in one place that he could always see you) and he seemed OK with that. But then he told me he just does not want to do it! I will not make him perform and I am sure Ms. White feels the same way! Maybe he can just watch :o)"

I feel so sorry for my boy because I know how it feels to be terrified in while up in front of people.  I would be physically ill when I was a kid and a teenager and I had to give a speech or a talk or anything like that.  Every time I had to play the piano in Sunday School opening exercises, I would get noxious and my hands would literally shake the entire time I sat at the piano.  It was pure hell for me.  Now that I am older I can pick and choose what I participate in, according to my comfort level.  I can also see now that my dad probably reacted to many things the way he did while I was growing up because of his own anxiety.  It is definitely a dominant factor in my gene pool, whether I like it or not.

All 3 of the boys have different levels of anxiety about all different kinds of things, but Jake has always had it the worst.  Even when he was a small toddler, he didn't want me to leave him with Lori, whom he knew and loved since birth.  He has asked Anthony incessantly when I was coming home, every time I left house, since he could talk.  My heart aches for him and I wish he didn't have to deal with it.  Hopefully he will learn ways to cope with it as he grows older.  But for today, at age 6, he is sitting right next to his very awesome first grade teacher, quietly watching his friends and probably singing the songs inside that cute little head of his.